I’ve been wanting to write about this for so long. I’ve kinda touched on it in the past posts, but I’ve always wanted to use this blog to educate people and raise awareness. I’ve tried to keep my personal life out of it. But I can’t do that right now. I can’t keep these emotions in anymore. It feels like they’re killing me. This isn’t a cry for help – least I don’t think it is anyway.

I am so fucking heartbroken.

It feels like I’m dying, it hurts so bad. This will sound dramatic to a lot of people, and I’m aware of that. But I’m hurting. So so much. I have felt so much pain in my life and I always thought it couldn’t feel much worse. But fuck – I was so wrong. This is destroying me. Everyday just feels worse. It’s slowly killing me. It’s unbearable.

I just can’t let go, but I know I have to.

I don’t feel like I can feel anymore. It’s just like I’m existing.

I just don’t want to feel anymore. I need Damon Salvatore to come and turn me into a vampire so I can switch off my emotions.

I’m resorting to old unhealthy habits again. Alcohol has re-entered my life, which has already lead to me making regrettable decisions. Self harm is taking over in a way that it never has before. It’s in areas of my body that I’ve never hurt before, it’s multiple times a week now, I’m hiding all the cuts that cover 50% of me. I even have a first-aid kit that I keep with my knife so I can clean myself up and hide it all without people knowing. I’m living the biggest lie I’ve ever lived. Everyone thinks that I’m having my usual good days and bad days, but overall I’m okay. But I’m not okay – not even close. I’m struggling to hold on.

This is the loneliest I’ve ever felt too. Which is crazy because I have the greatest people around me. They’re incredible. But everyone just sees a breakup. “it’ll heal in time”, “why do you keep going back to him?”, “you wasn’t even together that long”. If all of that is true, then why is it getting harder everyday? What if I just can’t keep myself away from him, no matter how hard I try? If it was only a short relationship, then why do I still ache for him? Why is he still mu entire world when I’m nothing to him? Why do I still cry myself to sleep every single night thinking of him? Why do I wake up every morning from a dream about him?

I’m literally being made out as a “crazy ex-girlfriend”, but you don’t understand what this feels like. It feels like he’s died. The one person I love more than anything doesn’t even want me. That would hurt a mentally-well person. Throw my list of illnesses on there, and it turns the flame from a spark to a bonfire. It’s destroying me. I can’t do it anymore.

But I have to do it. I have to hurt everyday until it gets easier. I need to fight. If I can’t fight for myself, I need to fight for my family and friends.

I can’t do it for myself because right now I don’t want to. I don’t want this pain anymore. But I don’t want my loved ones feeling that pain. To me, it feels like he’s dead, and it’s killing me. No matter what, I will not let everyone feel that way for me.

I am stronger than I am broken.

The way I am reacting to this breakup is not because of my ex. My coping mechanisms are not his fault. I’m in a very vulnerable period of my life right now.